The Battle Within

The sun is starting to set on the cold, weary world. I await inside Fort Neugrad with my comrades after gaining control of it, and for Kiya's letter to arrive. I know I have wronged her, and I cannot blame her for being bitter. I have not received a letter from her yet, after I pleaded her to stop this madness and let me take care of her, take her somewhere safe. 

Gods! I wish the cold was gone. I wish I did not have to take sides in this war, in any war. I could not sleep with the thought of her on the other side, slicing my comrades' throats and piercing their hearts with her arrows. I could not bear the thought of us meeting on the field of battle, only to lose one of us when it is all over. 

Yet, I feel like I do want to see her in the field of battle. I would take her down and take her away from all this. If I ever saw her in battle I would grab her and run away from the war, and live with her in Elsweyr or Cyrodiil, where we could be happy and content. That is, if she still loves me. I do not know if she does anymore. I have a done a lot of vile things; I have done everything to lose everything.

The morning started early with Galmar telling us the details of the mission. We were to storm the fort, kill all the Imperial soldiers, and release our troops from prison. Quite easy, I should say, but Kiya's hatred of me is a burden heavier than my sword. I did not think I would be able to swing my sword if I could see her face on every enemy.

We don't really have to do this if we reinforced this Fort, you know.

The first rays of sunlight were shrouded by the dark clouds that loomed above us. They set on the ground a little too late, as blood had already covered it. It was mine. I had let my mind wander to her, and an Imperial soldier had cut my arm from the block I clumsily made. Blood dripped onto the handle of my sword and made it slippery and sticky at the same time, and onto the ground. In that moment, I saw Kiya's face on the soldier, raising a sword with one arm, threatening to strike. I knew then that I had no choice but to keep my thoughts of her at bay, else my life would be lost too, and so would the hope of returning to her arms. I swung my sword, crushing the life out of the soldier with a massive cut from his shoulder down to his belly. 

Blood gets in my eyeees~

I saw Ralof coming in from one of the gates. He seems glad to cut down Imperial soldiers, but for whom does he do it? For his family? For himself? For his leader? Or for Skyrim? There is only one answer for each man in this war. All but me. I do not know what I am fighting for, now. 

Oh hey Ralof! Didn't know you were still alive.

Ralof provided some comfort in the most dreadful battle I have ever been. Not physically exhausting nor painful, but I could not get the anxiety out of me. I was nervous and always staring ahead. Ralof told me to wake up and look sharp, else the enemy will make a mess out of my body.

We found our comrades in the lower level of the Fort. I let Ralof go ahead of me; he can take care of himself, I knew that. I did not want to take part of any killing for the rest of the day. I will rest early and freshen myself up for the more challenging battles ahead. I should ready myself for the worst thing that could happen--face Kiya on the battlefield.

Hey! yourself. I'm doing you a favor.

 It was already morning when we went outside. The sunlight shone on everything--the ground, the bodies of both Stormcloak and Imperial soldiers, their blood, and amputated arms and heads. It was a gory sight, one that I will keep with me for the rest of my life. This is where I start fighting for what I thought I was really fighting for, and not for myself.

Not a good time to joke about that, Ralof.

Word arrives from Windhelm that I was to go to the Reach, where my blade and shield are needed. It is of the most unfortunate coincidence that Kiya is fond of that place. I doubt my heart will find peace until this war is over... if her arrows do not pierce my heart first.