Thawing the Frozen Heart

I've never slept so soundly in weeks. Somehow, I finally am at peace with myself and with Kousei. He may still be bound by duty to Ulfric Stormcloak's cause, but I no longer feel animosity towards him about that matter. Somehow, I finally understand how Hadvar and the late Legate Rikke had managed to maintain their comparatively pleasant manners despite the Civil War bearing down on everyone.

Master Tolfdir had frowned on me leaving the College for a little adventuring, but in the end, he acquiesced. He half-joked, half-warned me that the College won't be there to come to my aid should bounty hunters come upon me, but I assured him that Serana and I would be able to handle them just fine. In the cover of dusk, we went to the Shrine of Azura. I didn't really expect a reply from the Patron of Roses. Nonetheless, I couldn't help but try to look to Aranea Ienith for a few words of wisdom. As I expected, I didn't glean much from her, except for a reiteration of one of the last prophecies Azura gave. Hardship, bloodshed, before the dawn. I sighed. I had to move on, and not put too much hope in an obscure prophecy.

Sorry pals, synchronized dancing ain't my thing.

There was a slight snowstorm when we were in the Shrine of Azura, but the weather had cleared by the time we reached Frostflow Lighthouse. It was a curious thing, quite like the lighthouse I remember from my Solitude days. It looked especially beautiful with the vibrant auroras that came to light as we approached.

Hadn't seen any ships passing by lately.

I was careful to keep myself hidden from any watchful eyes, as I usually did. However, Serana covertly tapped me on the elbow and motioned for me to look into one of the lighthouse windows. I frowned at the thought; I might reveal myself, not to mention we'd probably be poking our noses into other people's business. Caution gave way to concern, though, when Serana told me she detected the stench of spilled blood inside. Her senses weren't lying -- the inside of the deceptively peaceful lighthouse was in disarray.

A failed attempt at chaurus pie.

The corpse of a Redguard woman was the first thing that greeted our eyes. That, and a stone-cold chaurus. It didn't take long for us to imply that Falmer must have ransacked her home. Serana and I looked around for clues, and we found various journals that shed some light as to the identity of the lighthouse inhabitants. The woman's name was Ramati, and apparently she had a husband named Habd and two children, Mani and Sudi. They were Hammerfell natives, and had only just recently moved into the lighthouse. However, we've only found the corpse of the mother. Knowing the Falmer, they must have captured the rest of the family. They might have already been killed, but there's a slim chance that we could still save them.

Who sold you the lighthouse with all its dangers? I'd like to have a word with him.

We found a key to the lighthouse basement from Ramati's favorite urn, and set out to find her husband and children. True enough, opening the door revealed the sound of scuttling chaurus feet. Two chaurus had gotten in through a hole in the wall.

Did that hole cause the entire basement to be snowed under?

I shot down the chaurus before continuing to sneak through the wall. The Falmer and their pets must have burrowed their way to the lighthouse. Given the close vicinity of the Frostflow Lighthouse to the Tower of Mzark, it's indeed possible. Blackreach is only nearby, I thought with a hint of bitterness. Memories of Kousei entered my mind before I could suppress them. It didn't help when we came upon the corpse of the son, Mani, killed by the Falmer just like his mother. For a moment, I thought I saw Kousei's face. And curiously, I felt no triumph -- rather, a heaviness in my chest.

Pincushion Mani.

The daughter, Sudi, was located inside one of the prisons. We had reached her too late, for she had already killed herself before the Falmer can take her away to a worse fate. At that point, I realized it was futile to save her father. But I decided to press on. We had to at least clear the catacombs of Falmer and chaurus. More innocents could meet the same fate as they if we don't.

She apparently keeps emergency paper and charcoal on her person.

The Falmer must have intended to use this place as a breeding place for chaurus, because the chasm was crawling with them and their unhatched offspring. Serana and I sank our boots into the chilly water as we battled the huge insects. They were a downright nuisance, being able to hit us from afar with poison that no amount of blocking can diffuse (not that I could use a shield, that is). I gathered the eggs when I could. It wasn't the best of jobs, extracting chaurus eggs from their slimy sacs. But they were useful alchemy ingredients, and I was carrying a hefty burden of more than four hundred eggs by the time we cleared the dungeon. I couldn't help but think Kousei would find this place fascinating just for the ingredients.

Dammit why did you jump in before I could take them out for you?!

We had to face off against a Chaurus Reaper at the end of the tunnel, but we won in the end. Dissecting its remains revealed the mangled remains of Habd. When I looked into his eyeless sockets, I remembered something his wife had written in her journal. He would have wanted to be interred in the lighthouse brazier when he died, so he could gaze upon the sea forever.

Nice bloody skull you got there.

The auroras still shone when we got back up to the surface. I unlocked the door to the tower holding the lighthouse brazier, and gently interred the Redguard's remains into the fire. I spent a long time looking at the flames even after they completely absorbed what remained of Habd. Now that we've taken care of the fiends that ended what would have been the happy life of his family, there was nothing binding me here. But their words of contentment and love, all written in their journals, had strangely brought out my envy. In the distance, I saw the Tower of Mzark. It was too much. I only had that detestable Black-Briar Mead in my inventory, but some alcohol is better than none.

Mmmmmmead.

I had barely taken a sip of mead when Serana reached out and plucked the tankard from my hand. It was not the time for me to get drunk, she said firmly. I confess the scene afterwards wasn't too pretty, involving stray Fireballs thrown at Serana's way and with me spouting all the swear words I could muster. But Serana stood her ground until I had calmed down, and the kind tone she used afterwards made me more guilty than ever. She had refrained from mentioning Kousei for a long time now, but now she asked me if I still loved him. My immediate answer was no, but alas, my eyes were already misting over.

Are you crying?

No, I am not.

You are.

No.

You love him still.

No. No. No. I can't, I can't, I can't. I...

Okay, I'll listen. Just give me my mead back.

...and all I remember afterwards was Serana taking me back to the warm interior of the lighthouse, where I can shed tears without them freezing solid on my cheeks. She's right about me, again. I was jealous of Habd and Ramati's happiness, for I saw in them a reflection of what Kousei and I could have been. I remember the last letter he gave. I had burned it, believing it was nothing but a ruse to trap me into betraying the Legion. But a fragment of me dared to believe that it wasn't all a lie, that he really did care for me. And I still do, I now realize. A part of me will always love him, no matter what.

Don'tlookatmedon'tlookatme.

Serana was smiling when we left the lighthouse at dawn. She remarked that the time is coming when I would not need her anymore, because much of the storm in me had cleared. I laughed, my first true laugh in a long while. And now, as I study my lessons in the guise of Yisra, I know I could face Kousei again without hate in my heart. All I would have to know now is if he would be willing to take me back, if we could somehow make things work out.

I know he has been seeking me out. I wonder if I will meet him soon.

- Kiya